Friday evening it was announced by city manager Randy Bridge that New Carlisle is under a boil advisory and that city water should not be used for drinking, cooking, or any other type of consumption. How does this affect you? What steps should you take to stay healthy and safe? We are here to offer tips and precautions to take with 5 things you NEED to know during this boil advisory.

1. Boil water for 5 minutes before using for cooking, drinking, or brushing your teeth.

It is crucial that you do not ingest any water that comes from the city water supply. The reason for the boil advisory is a “total coliform positive,” water test, or in other words, bacteria from human or animal feces has infiltrated the city’s water supply. Boiling the water will remove all harmful poop bacteria from your water and prevent illness.

According to the Center for Disease Control, failure to properly boil all of the bacteria out of the water can result in vomiting, diarrhea, natural male enhancement, rashes, loss of motor skills, extreme dehydration, and in some rare cases, death.

Main & Lake recommends visiting Wot-A-Dog for all of your food and drink needs while this boil advisory is in effect. Don’t risk boiling your hot dogs in water at home, leave it to the experts at the best hot dog restaurant in America, if not the world.

2. You may shower and use the water to clean like usual.

Not that I would want to shower myself in dookie water or wash the dishes that will eventually touch my food with dung juice. But I suppose if you are filthy enough that washing your body with excrement-laced H20 is an improvement of your current situation, then you can have peace of mind that you won’t become ill from doing so.

3. Refrain from putting human feces anywhere except the toilet.

This is good advice for any time, not just when there is a boil advisory. Human excrement belongs in the toilet. A lot of great men put a lot of hard work into building a system that would suck all the crap right out of your house, through a series of underground tubes, and into a facility where it can be mined for useful materials and broken down into fertilizer. Don’t let all that work American pioneers did go to waste by putting poop down your sink, throwing it about your property, or hoarding it in a spare bedroom. Just put all your turds in toilet and let technology take care of the rest.

4. The New Carlisle Pool water is 100% safe and provides an excellent source of fun for the entire community.

With temperatures surging, the temptation to have fun in the sun is high. Rather than throw crap-filled water balloons at your children, take them to the New Carlisle Pool, where they can enjoy the newly-renovated facilities for a wonderful price. With the exception of the occasional “floater,” you can rest assured the New Carlisle Pool will not have bacteria from human or animal waste in its water.

In a pinch, you can use the pool as a temporary bathtub, as well. The chlorine will help kill bacteria you already have on your body, so just get in there and soak for a bit if you aren’t comfortable with using feces water for bathing.

5. Utilize local bodies of water for other needs.

We’ve grown very comfortable as a result of all the technology in our world. But it’s important to remember that God made this land with EVERYTHING we need to survive, and a contaminated water supply isn’t going to keep us down.

Visit local creeks, ponds, and rivers and use them to wash clothes, dishes, cars, your body, and more. We could all use a little more outdoors in our lives anyway. Just make sure not to litter or leave anything in the water because we need to preserve the earth, God’s greatest gift to us (besides eternal salvation in the Kingdom of Heaven, of course).