It’s no secret that car and home break-ins have skyrocketed in New Carlisle over the last year. Main and Lake has some suggestions to help you: Here are 5 ways to prevent property theft in New Carlisle.
Dozens of New Carlisle residents have fallen victim to thieves this year. Despite the recent arrest of a couple in connection with multiple robberies, citizens must protect themselves and their belongings. Here’s how to prevent theft of your property:
1. Lock your cars and home
Many thieves only bother with the easiest of targets. They want to be in and out, quick and undetected. Locking your vehicles and home will thwart most potential burglars, as they won’t want to make noise and attract attention by smashing windows or kicking in doors. Locking up is the simplest way to prevent property theft.
2. Adopt or purchase a pet
An extra set of eyes is always helpful in staying vigilant. But how about an extra nose, complete with enhanced olfactory receptors? Now, that’s how you keep thieves away.
Pets can see and smell nasty bandits quicker than humans, so having them on guard can alert you when someone is tampering with your property.
Here are the top choices for pets that can rebuff crooks:
- Dogs (the bigger and meaner the better. Hundreds of strays are already on the loose in New Carlisle, so feel free to use one of them.)
- Birds (Especially birds of prey or birds that you can train to speak. We recommend teaching birds to say “Get outta here you dirty old thief!”)
- Ratcats (Small and blindingly fast, these pets can be kept in your car as long as you don’t value your upholstery being in good condition.)
- Big cats (Tigers, lions, panthers, cougars, cheetahs, and leopards are best. Consult local laws to determine which big cat is allowed and best for you.)
- Sharks (This would require parking your vehicle or suspending your home above a fairly large body of water, but sharks are the ultimate in home protection.)
Even baby ratcats can be effective guardians.
3. Booby Trap your property
A boy named Kevin McAllister, at the time just 8 years old, once successfully defended his home from two veteran burglars intent on robbing the McAllister family blind. How did he achieve such an incredible feat? That’s right: he booby trapped the heck out of the entire house.
Kevin deployed a type of tar-and-feathers trap, placed toy cars on the floor to goad the thieves into slipping on them, installed trip wires, heated a doorknob to scald the hands of the robbers, iced the front stairs to cause slipping, laid out Christmas ornaments to hurt the robbers’ feet, hid nails pointy-side-up on stairs, and many more.
If a young kid can do this, then so can you. Main and Lake has compiled a list of effective booby traps that anyone can set up.
- Dig a hole, put sharp, metal spikes at the bottom, and cover it with leaves and brush
- Put a bunch of superglue on the ground all around your car
- Throw a whole lot of banana peels on the street and sidewalk so that the thieves will slip while trying to get away
- Whoopie cushions
- Put heroin needles out as bait and lure them into a big net that will string them up in a tree
- Glue thumbtacks under your car door handles
- Just watch Home Alone and do all the stuff Kevin McAllister did
4. Replace your lawn with quicksand
These thieves slink around in the shadows, trying to be as stealthy and quiet as possible. This means walking on grass, which makes little to no sound. It also allows them to stay away from the bright New Carlisle streetlights. So how can you punish them for trying to sneak through your yard on their way to plundering their next car or home? Pull all the grass out of your yard and replace it with quicksand.
Chances are you haven’t thought about quicksand since you were a child. I bet the thieves haven’t either, and that’s precisely why it can be used as an effective security measure. Once a few thieves get swallowed by your quicksand–where they will be slowly suffocated to death and their bodies will decompose without ever being found–your house and vehicles will NOT be tampered with.
5. Guns. Lots and lots of guns
It’s the most obvious solution in the world. Fill a thief’s belly full of lead and see how many more cars and houses he steals from. I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “z” and ends with “ero.”
There’s a lot of ways to handle shooting thieves. You can do a stakeout, staying awake and waiting, all the while training your weapon on the areas that are most vulnerable to theft at your residence. You can handle the nights in shifts with your spouse or children (note: if having your children handle guns, make sure they are at least 5 years old and have completed proper weapons training). You can rig up an elaborate automatic firing mechanism like Walter White did to the white supremacists at the end of Breaking Bad.
Whatever you do, just make sure you have the opportunity to shoot a person to make sure they don’t get to steal your $50 GPS, your $10 sunglasses, or your hard earned coins that you leave in your ashtray.
Make like Walter White and blast those nasty robbers with a remote control machine gun.