The New Carlisle Pool has been a hot topic around town lately, and city council will vote Tuesday evening to decide whether it remains open in 2016. Main & Lake is here to bring you the 5 things that WILL happen to New Carlisle if the pool closes.
The argument against the pool is that it annually loses money. One recent online post by Mayor Mike Lowrey said that the pool lost approximately $5,000 in 2015, an improvement of about $35,000 from the previous year. While those exact numbers have been disputed, there was definitely a fiscal improvement in the operation year-over-year. This was thanks in large part to donations and volunteer work.
Despite the improvements, many in town would like to see the pool become a disgusting, vacant eyesore like so many other local business and buildings. Instead of clutching to one of the last vestiges of the “good old days” in New Carlisle, many would like to cast that magnificent property into the abyss, where it would join the Madison school and the Howard’s shopping center as derelict disasters that disgust denizens of this distinguished division.
Rest assured, if this pool closes, New Carlisle will be in for some major changes. Here’s the 5 things you’re guaranteed to see if that happens.
1: Kids will go “ham” in New Carlisle’s myriad dollar stores
I don’t know about you, but I think our dollar stores look great as they are. I don’t need to see thousands of youths tearing them from stem to stern in an effort to be “turnt” in front of their “baes.”
2: Childhood obesity will reach even more alarming levels
New Carlisle, like most small, American towns, prides itself on pumping out top-tier athletes and maintaining an elite level of fitness for its residents. If the pool closes, we will see kids balloon up to such massive sizes, outsiders will think the town is run by Chunk and Sloth from the Goonies. Just imagine all of those kids stuffing their faces with hot dogs, candy, spray cheese, and ice cream, but without a facility to visit to burn off all those calories.
The fallout would be crippling. Food shortages would set in as kids replace 8 hours per day of being active with 8 hours per day of eating. Medical costs would skyrocket, putting a strain on a population already scraping by. Clothing costs would rise, as kids would burst out of their clothes and require entire new wardrobes to be purchased by mid-June. It would be a disaster.
Are you okay with every kid in New Carlisle looking like this? I’m not.
3: Kids will learn to use their imaginations
This is a nightmare, and not just on a local scale. As kids are forced to find new things to do in town, they will inevitably begin to use their imaginations to have fun. This is a slippery slope, because as kids use their imaginations, they also learn new ways to think and be creative. The single biggest threat to our country is our citizens learning to think for themselves and acquiring the motivation to do things on their own. We must stop kids from gaining these skills. Keep the pool open so that kids won’t get any new ideas. It’s the best thing for America.
Do these kids look like they ever had an original thought in their lives? Of course not! And they made this country great!
4. The library will be overrun and destroyed as kids get hooked on books
The New Carlisle Library is a delightful place, full of great resources for learning about any subject you can think of. It’s fun, well-maintained, and has that inviting aroma of books that hearkens back to when we were youngsters ourselves.
This is why we must keep our children out of the library at all costs.
Imagine the city’s greatest sanctuary reduced to ruins; the books strewn about and smeared with chocolate from little, grubby hands, the card catalog defaced by graffiti and profanity. It’s a nasty sight.
Even the kids who want to replace diving into the pool with diving into a classic will hurt the library, as they overcrowd the facility. Those kids will become bookworms, unable to do anything but sit indoors and read, without ever learning the value of hard work or how to ask a girl on a date.
Here’s what the New Carlisle Library will look like if the pool closes.
5. ISIS will begin recruiting New Carlisle’s children
I know what you’re thinking. You think “It could never happen here.” You’re thinking “We’ve taught our children that terrorism is bad, there’s no way they would become terrorists.” You’re thinking “My child would never associate with people who are different than they are.”
You’re wrong.
ISIS is coming to America every day, and if you think they will ignore small towns like New Carlisle, you’re in for a rude awakening. Small town kids are usually looking for something bigger and better. They want to get out to the big city, or go on an adventure, or shoot giant machine guns whenever they want. ISIS will promise them all of these things and more. And to a kid whose main life prospects include growing up, getting a job at an auto parts store, and drinking a 12-pack of Bud Light every night, that could all seem very enticing.
Of course, ISIS won’t tell the kids what they’re really up to. They’ll just sell them on the pipe dream. And sadly, too many kids will buy in. Keep the pool open to protect your children – your American children – from ISIS.
If it seems impossible to imagine little Johnny or Brittany being an executioner for ISIS, think again.
I am surprised that people want to open the pool again when they have so many children drown each year. Everyone talks about the $5,000 – $35,000 deficit all the time, but I haven’t heard one concerned citizen mention the dozens if not hundreds of dead kids our town has had to mourn over the years. Perhaps it’s just me, but I would think one of our New Carchildren’s lives is worth at least $5000. If not, then at least two of them are. This is just another example of the decline in the class of our small town. People throughout the city have tried to cover up the drowning pool for years. If no one believes me, just ask the school district. If you look at how many children complete the school year each Spring versus how many enroll at the beginning of the following school year, the numbers look very suspicious. Where are all the children going? I know where they are going; down the drain in the deep end, that’s where. According to some brief calculations, it is estimated that our town is losing an average of 9 to 14 kids each year at the hands of the pool. I think it’s time we stood up and did something about all these bodies that are hitting the floor. If the city wants to reopen the pool then there should be some new rules implemented to encourage safety and fewer dead kids. Perhaps we could enforce mandatory life jackets and swimmies on legs and arms for all ages? The pool staff could implement a mandatory hour long break after any kids have eaten food to avoid cramping? I don’t think I need to remind everyone of what happened to the adolescent rescued by Macho Man Randy Savage. Most of us have had to relive that tragedy over and over everytime Slim Jim is in need of another dollar. Or you know what? The city could just drain the pool and fill it with balls. Anyone who ate at Showbiz Pizza or McDonald’s in the late 80’s or 90’s knows that there is no comparison between a ball pit and a swimming pool. I have never heard of any children drowning in a Showbiz Pizza. If nothing else then there should be no question of how many lifeguards are hired to patrol the pool this year and promote safety. With lifeguards standing shoulder to shoulder around the entire perimeter of the pool around the clock, even when the pool is closed, then we should be able to minimize the dwindling kid population that our once-great-town suffers each summer. We need to take a stand now instead of touching bottom if we want to make it a better place. Not just for me, but for you, and the entire human race.