It seems seldom a week goes by that we don’t hear about someone reporting a bomb or threatening a mass shooting at one of Tecumseh Local Schools’ buildings. It’s becoming a huge problem, so how do we stop bomb and shooting threats in Tecumseh Local Schools?

In the current climate, with actual bombings and shootings happening almost daily, every threat must be taken seriously. Unfortunately, false threats take up an incredible amount of resources. Police and bomb squads are dispatched, keeping them from addressing real issues in the community. Students and teachers lose valuable lesson time evacuating. Parents have to be interrupted during their work days and are worried sick about their children. It’s a ripple effect that, at least temporarily, paralyzes the entire community.

So how do we stop these false threats from happening? How do we keep our children from becoming the students who cried “Columbine?” Main & Lake has some ideas. Here’s our four-pronged plan for eliminating false bomb and shooting threats.

Restrict (Prevention)

The first thing we need to do is review processes for prevention of bomb and shooting threats in schools.

• Bulletproof desks for every student and teacher

The desks can be turned on end so that children and teachers can cower safely and use them as shields.

• Self defense courses as a supplement to physical education classes

A variety of self defense tactics, including judo, wrestling, Rex-kwon-do, and jiu-jitsu will be taught.

• Bomb/gun sniffing animals on school grounds every day

With trained animals roaming the halls, kids will be unable to get anything into the school without raising alarms. The recommended animal is the ratcat, which has been known to smell discarded Speedway roller grill items (tornados, cheeseburger links) from up to a half mile away.

• Reinstitute “learning disabled” classrooms

Decades ago, troubled kids were sequestered in classes with all the other troubled kids so as not to distract all of the other kids in class. Most of these kids had no actual disabilities, but we used the term “learning disabled” when we really meant the kids were disruptive and annoying. Many kids who are the types to fake a bomb or shooting threat are calling out for attention or trying to be disruptive in their own way, and being stuck ina regular classroom with the expectation of doing normal course work could trigger the student to make a false threat. We need to bring back these classrooms, because it’s worth sacrificing the educations and potential of a few to benefit the many.

• Create a D.A.R.E.-type class for kids

Drug Awareness Resistance Education has been a roaring success for decades. If we can successfully eliminate drug use by young people with this type of plan, we can eliminate school shooting and bombing threats.

Record (Surveillance)

Vigilance is the best way to prevent these types of threats. It’s impossible to have every single student under the watchful eye of an administrator at all times, but with these simple ideas we can see real threats before they happen and prevent fake threats from materializing.

• Local volunteers monitor children outside the classroom

Military experience preferred but not required. Compensation to be made in the form of one complimentary school lunch daily.

• Good guys with guns on school grounds

Takes away the advantage an active shooter has, as schools are typically weapons-free zones. A two-hour course must be completed, and a true/false test about gun safety protocols must be passed in order to qualify for this post.

• Monitor cell phones and social media of all students*

Our federal government has had great successes by mining data from our own personal communication devices, so we should follow their lead and spy on students. Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Friendster, Instagram, AOL Instant Messenger, Snapchat, texts, pictures messages, and phone calls should all be monitored.

*No convicted sex offenders will be hired to review data found on minors’ wireless devices.

• Camera coverage of all areas, including restrooms*

Cameras placed all over the school will make punishment and prevention much easier. Bathroom stall cams will ensure accountability at all times from all students.

*No convicted sex offenders will be allowed to view restroom stall cams.

Restrooms (Hot Zones)

Speaking of restrooms… School restrooms are common areas for students to commit false threats. Because of the privacy the restroom affords, kids feel that they can get away with mischief . Here are some simple steps to curb bad behavior in school restrooms.

• Remove dividers between stalls in bathrooms

For years, the Oscar T. Hawke cafeteria boys’ bathroom had no dividers between stalls and it fostered peer accountability. Without partitions, students will be less likely to scribble threats on walls in the restroom.

• Disable the flushing function on restroom commodes

This will deter students from entering the restroom to begin with, as the stench of human waste will be so nauseating kids won’t want to enter the restroom at all. In the event students aren’t providing enough feces and urine to make the restroom sufficiently disgusting, human waste will be delivered directly from construction site portable toilets to each restroom on campus. The restroom will go from being a safe haven for bad kids to being a grotesque, sewage-drenched abomination.

If a child won’t enter the restroom, their top place for creating terrorist threats will be eliminated.

• Eliminate restrooms in schools altogether

It may seem like a radical proposal, but the school could provide diapers to all students to eliminate restroom trips. This would also allow uninterrupted lesson time, something our students sorely need with our struggling academic rankings.

The bottom line is that all the luxuries of modern chambers engender a sense of comfortability, and I think it’s high time we make some of these deviants a little uncomfortable.

Reward (Positive Reinforcement)

Any time there’s a serious issue to deal with it’s easy to get bogged down in negativity. But we need to encourage students who do the right things, as well. Here are some positive ways we can stop bomb and shooting threats in Tecumseh Local Schools.

• Offer extra credit in class for students who snitch on offenders

As I mentioned, peer accountability is a strong deterrent. But peer pressure is strong, too. Offer extra credit in classes for information leading to the apprehension of students making threats and you will appeal to both the bookworm nerds (who are probably itching to rat out another kid anyway) and the kids who struggle to scrape by with Ds (because that extra credit may be the difference between them graduating with their friends or them being the kid who can buy booze legally for his classmates).

• Kids who don’t make a bomb or shooting threat – real or false – all year receive a pizza party*

You have to reward those who behave well and don’t get involved in making terrorist threats against their school, classmates, or teachers. If you dangle this carrot in front of the student body, you will have upwards of 100 students pigging out instead of thousands of parents wigging out.

*1-topping pizzas only.

• Kids who don’t make a bomb or shooting threat or who provide info to faculty about a potential threat will receive a sticker that says “I went the whole year without making a bomb or shooting threat and it was AWESOME!!!”

What do you think of our plan? Weigh in below and let us hear YOUR voice.