Without laws, society might break down entirely. Given no basic set of ordinances – the breaking of which may come with punitive action up to imprisonment or death – the worst of humankind might take over and ruin the quality of life for everyone else. But not all laws are necessary or even logical. Many laws are nonsensical, redundant, and cause more harm than they purport to deflect. With the city’s current police situation, they need all the help they can get. Reducing unnecessary, time-consuming duties such as enforcing bad laws will benefit them.

Here are 15 New Carlisle city ordinances that, for one reason or another, need to be eliminated immediately. Each ordinance is pulled directly from the Codified Ordinances of New Carlisle, Ohio. Ordinance numbers and exact text are provided.

1. 618.19   Prohibited Animals

(a)   No person shall keep, possess, harbor, maintain, or have care, custody, or control of any of the following exotic or wild animals within the City:

(3)   Antelope, bison, deer, elk, and moose;

(4)   Badgers, martens, minks, skunks, weasels, otters, and wolverines;

(5)   Bats;

(6)   Bears;

(7)   Beavers, groundhogs, and porcupines;

(8)   Coyotes, foxes, and wolves;

(9)   Any cat of the family Felidae, including by way of example and not by way of limitation lions, tigers, jaguars, leopards, cougars, and ocelots, except commonly accepted domesticated house cats;

(10)   Any primate, including by way of example and not by way of limitation chimpanzees, gorillas, lemurs, and monkeys;

(11)   Alligators, crocodiles, caymans, and related crocodilians;

(13)   Monitor lizards, Gila monsters, and Mexican Beaded lizards;

(14)   Piranhas;

When is the last time you heard of anyone in this area being attacked or harmed by any of the animals you see on this list? Imagine the first time a kid brought home a dog and asked his parents “can we keep him?” I bet they were mortified. But that’s the same reaction many would have now if a kid brought home a lemur or Gila monster. I bet you wouldn’t consider a ban on dogs as pets, so why are we discriminating against other members of the animal kingdom?

Repealing this law would save local police and animal experts dozens of man hours and thousands of dollars per year.

The only animal that doesn’t make the cut is the snake. Snakes are nasty, vile creatures who should be kept out of town at all costs.

2. 618.16 Reporting Escapes

(a)   The owner or keeper of any member of a species of the animal kingdom that escapes from his or her custody or control and that is not indigenous to this State or presents a risk of serious physical harm to persons or property, or both, shall, within one hour after he or she discovers or reasonably should have discovered the escape, report it…

While we’re on the subject of animals, this is another law that needs removed. Animals are genetically predisposed to being untethered. Why should we spend valuable resources trying to cage them in? To me, a horse galloping across a meadow or a bird taking flight is a beautiful sight. Plus, you know the old saying: “if you love something, let it run around. If it gets hungry it will come back and eat at your house.”

3. 606.12 Failure to Report a Crime or Death

(c)   No person who discovers a body or acquires the first knowledge of the death of a person shall fail to report the death immediately to a physician whom the person knows to be treating the deceased for a condition from which death at that time would not be unexpected, or to a law enforcement officer, ambulance service, emergency squad, or the coroner in a political subdivision in which the body is discovered, the death is believed to have occurred, or knowledge concerning the death is obtained.

I don’t know about you, but dead bodies gross me out. Funerals and viewings are horrifying events, so imagine stumbling upon a corpse during the course of your normal life.

I think the law needs allowances for folks who are creeped out by dead bodies. If someone finds a dead body they should have the right to ignore it and go about their business, provided they do not disturb the body in any way.

4. 606.25 Impersonating an Officer

(b)   No person shall impersonate a peace officer, private police officer, investigator of the Bureau of Criminal Identification and Investigation, or Federal law enforcement officer.

Every Halloween I see dozens of people – usually young women or tiny children – breaking this law, and the police don’t enforce it. If it can be broken so openly, why bother keeping it on the books? Dressing up like a police officer is an awful lot of fun. The actual police could probably take some cues from the impersonators you see, too, such as uniform modifications on female pants to make them extraordinarily short shorts that provide better flexibility and range of motion.

It’s bad enough we have a war on Christmas in this country, but a war on Halloween is going too far. What’s next, banning kids from dressing up as soldiers? Women from wearing sexy nurse costumes because they are “impersonating a health care professional?”

5. 612.02  Sales to Underage Persons; Prohibitions and Misrepresentations

(e)   (1)   No underage person shall knowingly order, pay for, share the cost of, attempt to purchase, possess, or consume any beer or intoxicating liquor in any public or private place.  No underage person shall knowingly be under the influence of any beer or intoxicating liquor in any public place.

Drinking alcohol is a fun thing to do. It doesn’t make sense that we limit that fun to include only people over 21 years old. I say we change the drinking age to 13 years old. That would allow teens plenty of drinking practice before college, which would reduce the number of alcohol poisoning cases reported each year. In addition, the “freshman 15” weight gain might be mitigated, as teens would likely already have put that weight on earlier and would have by then become confident with their new, heavier body types.

6. 624.076 Possessing Nitrous Oxide in Motor Vehicles

(b)   Unless authorized by these Codified Ordinances or by State law, no person shall possess an open cartridge of nitrous oxide in either of the following circumstances:

(1)   While operating or being a passenger in or on a motor vehicle on a street, highway, or other public or private property open to the public for purposes of vehicular traffic or parking.

Apparently the person(s) who signed this into law have never seen the Fast and the Furious movies. NoS has one primary purpose: to turn your car into a screaming ball of fire on the race track. Fast cars are as American as apple pie, and this law is akin to banning desserts.

7. 618.06 Coloring Rabbits and Baby Poultry

(a)   No person shall dye or otherwise color any rabbit or baby poultry, including, but not limited to, chicks and ducklings.  No person shall sell, offer for sale, expose for sale, raffle or give away any rabbit or baby poultry which has been dyed or otherwise colored.

This is another law that just seems unnecessary. At the very least it should be amended to state that coloring and dyeing rabbits and baby poultry is perfectly fine as long as non-toxic coloring agents are used. Think about how adorable a bright red rabbit or shimmering silver chick would be! I think we can all agree that to deny people their right to see colorful animals is flat out wrong.

8. 624.15 Counterfeit Controlled Substances

(a)   No person shall knowingly possess any counterfeit controlled substance.

(b)   Whoever violates division (a) of this section shall be guilty of possession of counterfeit controlled substances, a misdemeanor of the first degree.

That I should even have to write out how ludicrous this law is is embarrassing. I’ll say this in the most clear way I possibly can:

THEY BANNED FAKE DRUGS. DRUGS THAT AREN’T REAL CAN’T GET ANYONE HIGH OR HARM ANYONE.

Sometimes I wonder if the people who make the laws have any common sense whatsoever.

9. 630.02 Gambling In General

(a)   No person shall do any of the following:

(1)   Engage in bookmaking, or knowingly engage in conduct that facilitates bookmaking.

Some of these laws make me roll my eyes, but some, like this one, make me furious.

Here we have the city telling us we can’t make books. No wonder the state of our local education is in the toilet. The city is not only actively discouraging the making of books in our community, they are punishing those who attempt to make books for the betterment of our children with jail time.

This is a truly outrageous miscarriage of the legislative system. I suggest we petition to have this law scrubbed immediately.

10. 660.08 Open Burning

1. Bonfires, campfires and outdoor fireplace equipment, whether for cooking food for human consumption, pleasure, religious, ceremonial, warmth, recreational, or similar purposes, if the following conditions are met:
2. They are fueled with clean seasoned firewood, natural gas or equivalent, or any clean burning fuel with emissions that are equivalent to or lower than those created from the burning of seasoned firewood;
3. They are not used for waste disposal purposes; and
4. They shall have a total fuel area of three feet or less in diameter and two feet or less in height.

Bullet points 3 and 4 are the real issues here. First, burning trash is the best and most efficient way of removing garbage from our environment. I guess the city would prefer mountainous landfills that stink up the entire city and ruin property values.

As for the allowable size of fires, three feet in diameter and two feet in height is barely big enough to even roast a marshmallow. I think that any size fire should be allowed, provided the flames don’t overlap onto a neighbor’s property without their consent.

The city could go a step further by organizing community bonfires in which the citizens gather all their garbage and spare wood in an effort to build raging infernos out in front of the Madison school. This would be a good event to foster a sense of togetherness among the city’s residents, and it would be a most effective way of getting rid of garbage.

11. 648.09 Noise From Light Motor Vehicles

(1)   No person shall cause noise levels, from the operation of a light motor vehicle in excess of eight dBA in the Municipality.  A measurement of noise shall be made on pedestrian walkways or on other suitable locations at a point not less than fifteen feet from the near edge of the closed usable lane in accordance with procedures outlined in the Code of Recommended Practices of the Society of Automotive Engineers.

(2)   No person shall operate a light motor vehicle which causes excessive noise levels as a result of a defective of modified exhaust system or as a result of unnecessary rapid acceleration, deceleration, revving or tire squeal.

Pardon me, but I’m going to be a little bit sarcastic about this one.

Lately we’ve had a bunch of kids riding around on Asian motorcycles and making an enormous amount of racket at all hours. Citizens have reported that these kids are racing, revving their bikes with no exhaust attached, and endangering the lives of innocent children of pets.

I’m suggesting the removal of this motor vehicle noise law because it isn’t being enforced anyway. At least if they remove it from the books people will know for sure that the county sheriffs and city don’t care about them instead of expecting them actually uphold the laws and make living in New Carlisle a rewarding and enjoyable experience.

What laws would YOU like to see removed? Join the conversation in the comments and let us know!