It has been a rough couple of years for New Carlisle. We have had multiple scandals with our schools, problems with drug use and crime, a beloved newsman shot by a deputy, a tornado, a Taco Bell fire, and felony charges against a popular leader in our community. Wot-a-Dog closed, reopened, was bad, then closed again. Paul.

In times like these — and with the help of mainstream media — it can be easy to focus on all the negatives around town. But when you step back and think about it, we actually have it pretty good here in our little city. Here is a list of 5 things that have NEVER happened in New Carlisle.

We Have Never Had A Mass Shooting

Sandy Hook. San Bernardino. Aurora. Las Vegas. Orlando. Horrible acts of senseless violence have turned cities and communities into hashtags and emblems of slaughter. You know what city you DON’T see on that list? That’s right, it’s New Carlisle.

We have had plenty of individuals shot over the years. We even had a sheriff’s deputy pump a couple rounds into a popular news photographer. But never, in all our years, have we had a single gunman mow down a handful of good folks, let alone dozens.

This will make a lot of the snowflakes mad, but maybe — just MAYBE — it’s because of the high rate of gun ownership in our town. I believe a mass shooter wouldn’t like the outcome much if he tried to pull that crap in our city.

We Have Never Had A Hillary Clinton Rally

New Carlisle is built on the values of its citizens. I believe that we, collectively, have a strong moral compass. For this reason, it doesn’t surprise me a bit that last year’s election saw very little support in New Carlisle for Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Democratic nominee for President.

Given her lack of support in the 45344 zip code, it isn’t surprising that Clinton didn’t campaign here. Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, or even one of those weird ones, we can all agree that a Clinton rally would have been a dangerous event for New Carlisle. Protestors, counter-protestors, rabble rousers, various riff raff, swindlers, and other scoundrels would have descended on Main Street like flies to a fresh pile of dog feces on a freshly cut lawn. We would probably still be cleaning up “Lock Killary up!” and “I’m with HER” and “HiLIARy did Benghazi” signs uptown.

We Have Never Had A School Superintendent Embezzling Money to Pay For Gambling

Never mind that one.

We Have Never Had A Volcano Eruption

New Carlisle is relatively immune to natural disasters. Sure, we’ve had the occasional tornado touch down. A blizzard every decade or so isn’t unheard of. As a landlocked city clear of major fault lines we don’t have to feel the wrath of Mother Nature like so many others who live in more “glamorous” locales such as Oklahoma, Louisiana, or Wisconsin.

When you think about all the people who have lost their lives due to tragic volcano eruptions, it really makes you appreciate our little town a whole lot more. So, move to Hawaii if you want. And while you’re screaming in agony, with your flesh melting off your bones, as molten lava overcomes your body, I’ll be at Arrow Queen cooling off with the finest ice cream in the state.

We Have Never Had A Teacher Rape a Student

Oops. Also never mind that one.

The Streets Never Get Plowed During Snowstorms

A lot of people will twist this around and say that it is actually a bad thing that New Carlisle doesn’t do a great job of plowing the streets during snowy winters. Well, let me tell you why it’s actually great that our town lets almost all of that snow lay where the Lord intended it.

First, if the streets are plowed, it turns the beautiful white blanket of snow we are blessed with into a nasty, gray mess that no one wants to look at. We have a beautiful city, and plowing snow only serves to ugly it up.

Next, if no one ever learns to drive on snowy roads, how are they going to travel safely when the streets CAN’T be plowed? Unplowed streets in inclement weather yield crucial experience to our young drivers. If Issue 4 passes we’re going to wish for more experienced snow drivers; without the tax revenue, the city can’t plow, so with the novice drivers we will have more accidents. With the tax credit’s trickle down to fire and rescue workers we will have longer response times to those accidents. Teach your loved ones to drive in snow. You might just be saving their lives… and someone else’s.

Finally, the chuckhole problem in town is improving, but we have plenty of streets in a state of disrepair. One nice thing about snow is it fills those chuckholes right up. Salt and plowing can ruin that. I, for one, am glad our town doesn’t do what other towns do and plow us right into disaster.

A Reality TV Show has Never Been Filmed Here

Plenty of people love reality television shows. But do you know who almost no one loves? Reality television stars.

It is great badge of honor that no New Carlisle resident or business has been irritating or self-righteous enough to have a reality show of their own. While everyone else is “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” we’re over here keeping up with our lawns. While the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” are catfighting, the real housewives of New Carlisle are raising respectful young men and women. The only Big Brother we worry about is the one watching our younger kids at the playground, and the “Biggest Losers” around here are the junkies and thieves we have roaming the streets.

A tv show in our city might seem like a neat thing in theory, but I’m sure glad we’ve never had one.

Bonus: The Cleveland Browns Have Never Won a Football Game Here

To be fair, it’s been quite awhile since they have won one anywhere else, either! LOL. Sorry Browns fans, just wanted to have a little fun. It’s not like my Bengals have done that much better!!!